Kate Heavey BA (Hons) FdSc BACP (Accredited) - Individual and Couples Counsellor and Psychotherapist currently offering online counselling and psychotherapy via Zoom, WhatsApp, Skype or the telephone only.
The aim of this page is to give you a small insight into how unhealthy ways of relating are created and how it is not your fault if you have learnt these behaviours.
Relationships are everywhere and I have a great interest in, and experience in, working with individuals and couples with relationship issues.
I am a firm believer that it is not the person that is the problem; it is the problem that is the problem.
Firstly, have you ever considered what your relationship is like with yourself? Do you even have one? Does this very thought have you running for the hills? Well one of my core beliefs is that we are all 'ok' and not any one of us is 'perfect poppins'.
So your first question; if you do not have a warm, kind and loving relationship with yourself then how can you have a warm, kind and loving relationship with another?
Which moves me on to relationships with others....do you find them easy or hard? Can you talk and communicate freely or do you freeze or flee?
Maybe you are stuck in cycles and do not know why. What is important is that you can learn to have a healthy relationship with yourself....and with others...if you are open to learning and change.
Experience informs that you have a desire to understand relationship with yourself and others; through our collaborative relationship I invite you to explore your thoughts, emotions, feelings and fears.
1. Do you wonder why others go through life with no relationship issues yet you find them difficult?
2. Are you looking for the 'happy ever after' constantly disappointed that you never achieve it?
3. At times does life seem unbearable with unfulfilled relationships?
If you answered yes to all three questions then you are not alone.
Would it surprise you to read that the most Googled ‘what is...’ phrase of 2014 was ‘what is love?’
One theorist, Eric Berne's, speaks of 'I'm OK, You're OK' and I believe this true as we are all human and, as such, are fallible and his theory is the equilibrium we are looking for in relationship. However, many of us are going around with the mindset of 'I'm Ok, You're not OK' or, even more detrimental to yourself, ,'I'm not OK, You're 'ok'.
In order to understand the role of relationships in your life today your counselling journey will include looking at how you have learnt to relate to others. It is quite astonishing to know that attachment patterns set in the early years of life play a significant part in how we all emotionally bond and connect with others. The first relationships you would have witnessed are those around you in your early years. So what did you learn? Could you trust? Did you feel safe? Were others readily available to you?
I would add that this is not a hard and fast rule for how you are in relationship as there are many factors along your life that can contribute to how emotionally available you are to others (or unavailable!). What is great is that we get injured in relationship and we heal in relationship.
What I do know is that 'something' is causing you to have relationship issues else you would not be here reading this page.
In relationships are you able to balance your needs with another? Can you be vulnerable? Love? Feel? Or does the very thought of these words have you shudder?
(Brené Brown does an excellent TEDtalks on 'The power of vulnerability' and if you can spare 20 minutes I would thoroughly recommend you Google and view it).
The Times reported on 23 September 2016 "The number of people living in deeply unhappy relationships has doubled in less than five years. More than a million people say they are miserable with their spouse or longterm partner, according to an analysis of official wellbeing figures released by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) yesterday."
(article can be seen at: http://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/unhappily-ever-after-number-of-wretched-unions-doubles-3zzwnbx3z)
The one thing I always hold for my clients is hope. My relationship hope for you is that, through counselling, you move to feeling secure, explorative and happy in your relationship with both yourself and others.
A final thought from psychotherapist Esther Perel who is noted for her exploration between our need for security and freedom in relationship:-
'The Quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives'
What is your relationship currently saying about the quality of your life?
Please click here to contact me directly from my website
Email directly [email protected]
Telephone / text 07941 305511
In 'How to Be an Adult in Relationships' David Richo states "once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us." (2002:85) What a great place to be.
KATE HEAVEY BA (Hons) BACP (Accredited) - COUNSELLOR IN WOKING PROVIDING COUNSELLING IN RIPLEY AND PSYCHOTHERAPY NEAR GUILDFORD, SURREY.