Counselling for problematic alcohol use, food misuse and emotional eating.  Online across the UK.  Understanding the cycle of coping with BACP Accredited therapist Kate Heavey

Being here means you, or a person you know, have noticed a pattern with how you use alcohol, food, or both. Perhaps it has become a comforter and you reach for it more than you would like to admit. There can be relief whilst doing it, with regret, guilt or shame after, and a quiet promise to do things differently.

Patterns Create and Patterns Destroy

Your pattern is far from a sign of weakness or a lack of willpower; it is a coping strategy that helped/helps you survive. Coping strategies are often established across time and if you feel alone, overwhelmed, or disconnected, this is one way for you to be self-sufficient. This gives you temporary relief yet, longer term, survival behaviours can become problematic to you, and those around you. Understanding why you reach for alcohol or food is when significant change begins, so we look at the psychology rather than focusing on the alcohol or food itself. We look at ‘why the behaviour?’ rather than ‘why the symptom?’  

A Life Coping Strategy may be Alcohol or Food

Maybe, as the photo above suggests, as a young person, you needed human connection yet you were given an object, such as food, to connect with instead  leaving you empty and alone so food became your connector. 

For some, the patterns that develop in early life show up not just in relationships but in the way they cope with difficult feelings day to day. Often the very thing people do not want to do, i.e., drink, is what happens.

Increased use of alcohol, or an unhealthy relationship with food, are often not really about alcohol or food at all. They are about what these things are being used to manage. The anxiety that will not switch off. The feelings that are too big to sit with, which can be happiness and sadness, joy and grief. The need to feel nothing. To numb. To change the way you feel.

Alcohol and food temporarily do this; they change the way you feel, providing a dopamine hit through connection (alcohol and food are objects as people are). Yet when the effect wears off, nothing has actually changed in your inner world, so the behaviour becomes ‘again, again, again’, contributing to a pattern that is likely to escalate. Across time, you may find you need more to get the same effect.

Society does not always understand these coping strategies. They are not character flaws or failures of willpower. They are learned ways of coping with an inner world that can feel too much, or to disguise feelings of, at your core, not feeling enough.

What story do you currently tell yourself about you? How are you currently living in the world? With satisfaction or dissatisfaction? Therapy is about honouring your behaviours. We find new ways that are more helpful to you, to aid you living in unison within yourself, within your relationships and within the world.

Note: the alcohol increase described above is about a coping strategy, yet there is also the disease of alcoholism where, once you take a drink, you cannot stop. This is known as an allergy where craving occurs once you ingest alcohol. Part of our work is determining whether you are using alcohol as a coping strategy, as a social or heavy drinker, or whether you are an alcoholic, and this informs how we work.

Understanding the Cycle of Coping

Many people recognise a pattern or cycle in how they cope. This is often not something consciously chosen, but something that unfolds over time, and it can mirror the coping strategies of those you grew up with.

You may notice:

• Feeling a continual restlessness or irritability
• An external event that triggers or intensifies your feelings
• A sense of needing to escape how you feel
• Using alcohol or food to bring temporary relief from your discomfort
• Afterwards, a period of regret, guilt or shame
• Swearing off and returning to normality, aware that your cycle will begin again

What drives your cycle of behaviour? If you get honest with yourself: is it unhealed hurt and pain, resentments, or a learnt pattern so your substance maybe taking you long before you take it! We work unmasking you, slowly, looking at how you are connecting within, what feelings you are currently carrying, and what you may be holding on to that keeps the cycle in motion.

Together, we work on you noticing and understanding your cycle, healing from within, as it becomes clearer why you have the behaviour you do and you start to have choice rather than just repeating it.

How this may show up in your life

You might recognise:

• Drinking or eating more than you intended
• Using alcohol or food to switch off at the end of the day
• A sense that you cannot fully unwind or socialise without it
• Hiding or minimising how much you are drinking or eating
• Promising yourself this will be the last time
• Feeling fine for periods of time, then finding the pattern returns when life feels difficult
• Others telling you that you have a problem, which you deny to them yet secretly know is true

How We Work Together

My approach is relational. I tailor how we work to suit you and we tentatively work together challenging your patterns as you gain understanding in your coping behaviours. We do not force change. We begin by understanding what happened to you and why it made sense at the time. From there, we gently explore what might need to shift.

Our work is:

• Nurturing, supportive and steady
• Thoughtful and reflective
• Gently challenging, as needed
• Grounded in real understanding

I sit alongside you as a fellow fallible human being. Not a blank screen, but someone with warmth, openness and a willingness to be real. You are not alone in what you are carrying.

The effectiveness of our work together is reliant on HOW Honest, Open and Willing you are to discover the real you.

It is for you to take our work into your daily life.

Find out more about me and how I work.

Moving Towards Change

As patterns start to shift, you are likely to notice:

• Longer gaps between needing to reach for alcohol or food
• Noticing the pattern and urge without automatically acting on it
• Understanding, and being accepting of, all your feelings
• Inner compassion and nurturance, instead of self-critique and neglect
• Feeling worthy of a life where you are freer

Cost

Individual — first session complimentary, then £65 per 60 minute session

Couple — first session £50 (includes pre-assessment), then £85 per 60 minute session

Reduced daytime rates are available for individuals (£60) and couples (£80).  Please mention this when you get in touch. 

I am a recognised therapist for Bupa, Aviva, AXA, WPA and Vitality Health employee assistance programmes.

Find out more about costs and frequently asked questions.

Contact

Please click here to contact me directly.

Email: harmoniouscounselling@gmail.com

Telephone 07941 305511
My answering machine is confidential.
Please note:- If your number is not familiar, and you do not leave a message, I will not call you back as I am unaware of your personal circumstances. 

Text / WhatsApp 07941 305511

Closing thought

Our work gets to the root cause of why you drink and/or use food. You will be empowered.  You will be free from your symptoms so you can truly choose how you show up in life.  Remember; nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Get in touch here.